Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Doing the right thing...

Last night I laid in bed for a while worried that I've "over shared" in telling the details of our story. I realize that no one is reading this, so why worry? But I do...after thinking about it all day, I think I'll leave everything. I think knowing the details will help those who do eventually read this understand my feelings. Who knows though, I may go back and erase every word and start all over. This whole process I've been just winging it. From the moment I found out D had been arrested I had NO idea what to do. I had NO dealings with jail and legal issues. After he got out, I had no idea what to do. I have no idea how to deal with a substance abuser. (That is actually where the hand of God has stepped in, my new job is in the mental health world and I do have access to therapists, one of which has a background in substance abuse counseling) I am also winging this single parent thing. I often wonder if I'm doing the right thing, not just in one area but in many areas. I'm just in such a new world that I feel like I'm doing good by just existing. I'm not going to lie, I've been angry at God. He could make all this change but He has chosen not to and as unhappy about that as I am, I have to trust that there is a purpose. I MUST believe that HE sees how all this is going to play out and as long as I seek Him, He will work everything out for my good. Many people look to Jeremiah 29:11 in times of crisis including me. Several months ago, I turned to this verse for comfort but for the first time, I continued reading and was convicted by verses 12 and 13. Basically He says that we will find HIM when we seek HIM while our whole hearts. I'm trying and I feel like lately I fail at that more often than not. I just feel plain guilt for being angry with Him and even for doubting His purpose. I heard a wonderful message from Beth Moore on Life Today last summer, so, for now, I'll go but I promise I'll post about that soon!

Monday, April 12, 2010

This is hard!

I really thought that this would get easier, but instead, it's getting harder. I realize I'm just 1 month into this 24 month process so there is time for it to turn around, right?!? This past weekend was particularly hard, emotionally and spiritually. Before he left, he arranged an anniversary gift for me. Our anniversary is the beginning of next month but he went ahead and had my precious best friend take care of it. When I opened it and read his letter, I LOST it!!! Now, don't get me wrong, I'm very appreciative of this gift and the effort that he went to prior to leaving to arrange it; however, at this point, I don't even want to think of our anniversary. I have purposefully left out a portion of this story but now, I feel that in order for my thoughts and feelings to make sense to anyone reading, I must tell that part. A month before he left, we met with our lawyer and determined to take this before a judge. Basically, we would get character witnesses on the stand and let the judge set the sentence. The state standard for this charge is probation so we felt pretty good about this decision. We lined up character witnesses and began praying that the judge would show mercy. In the meantime, our attorney wanted to see what all the D.A. "had" on D so, he and D went to review the evidence one day while I was at work. I got a phone call from my very upset husband saying that I needed to come home. I couldn't leave work at that time. I finally talked him into telling me what was wrong. I was told that we couldn't go to trial. Long story short, my husband had planned on having an affair with the co-worker that set him up. This affair obviously never happened because he had chosen to make that other stupid decision to sell pot to her "friend" before he got a chance to go on with that plan. Needless to say, our attorney basically said that any character witnesses we had wouldn't matter and that we should take the 2 year plea. One week later, he was gone.
All along, I'd felt like I didn't know the whole story. The marriage counselor we saw even told D that he needed to go ahead and tell me everything in the beginning because if something else came out later, that all trust that had been re-built would be gone. Well the marriage counselor was right. Now, with one week left, I had this to deal with. Basically other than him swearing that he never has had an affair and nothing had ever happened with her, that's the only work that we've done on our marriage. I don't know how to work on it while he is in jail. I still question whether or not I know the whole story.
Maybe that explains my response to my anniversary gift. Right now I feel like that day never mattered to him, so why should I celebrate it alone with him in jail. I guess I'm back in my angry phase. I just don't know what to do and like I said, instead of getting easier, it's getting harder.

If you've taken the time to read this, please continue to pray for us. If you happen to be going through a similar situation or even another type of storm in your life, leave a comment and I'll commit to praying for you.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


For almost a whole year I've been in a season of waiting.
After losing my job, I was waiting on a new one.
We waited to find out the earthly consequences of D's actions.
Now we wait for him to return home.

When the movie "Fireproof" came out, we went to see it. I loved the movie and the music but never really thought that much about it after that. Last summer, I promise, EVERY time I was in my car I heard the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller from the Fireproof soundtrack. That has been one of my theme songs throughout this whole ordeal. I'm trying to worship in my waiting. Sometimes, I fall into a pit of anger, depression, anxiety, loneliness...but I think God understands us when we fall in those pits, as long as we look to HIM to help us out of it! In the 23rd Psalm He says we "walk through the valley", we don't sit in it, we don't lie down in the valley we WALK through the valley. I'm doing my best to walk through this valley. Some days are harder than others but as long as I'm shuffling forward, I'm ok. I know I've made mistakes on this journey and I'm sure I'll make more but regardless...He will be with me!

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

My story...part 3

I pray I can play catch up in this post...
He found a job doing manual labor rather quickly, eventually I even found another job. My job is in a totally different career but so far, I really enjoy it and have been told I'm quite good at it too. For months, we tried to live life as "normal" as we could. Well, eventually our lawyer contacted us and basically he had tried as hard as he could and he had postponed as long as he could but the "plea" was a 2 year prison sentence. This was devestating news for us all. Basically, my husband was punished because of "who he is". And yes, we were told that. So, a month ago, my husband began a 2 year prison sentence. I prayed up until the judge let the words come out of his mouth for a miracle. God had sent Abraham a ram to save Isaac from sacrifice and for a week, I prayed for a ram. I didn't get one. A month later, I'm still praying for a miracle. I pray that once the state looks at him they will send him home because our prisons are 108% overpopulated and this is a first offense with one charge. I pray for that but am prepared for a long 2 years.
Again, I don't think there are that many Christian women whose husbands are in jail out there...I may be wrong. I've found one www.adustyframe.com has been a wonderful source of inspiration to me. I've read several of her posts and cried because I felt like I was reading my own words. I don't think this is something that anyone who hasn't been through can fathom. It's not necessarily like divorce because he is coming back; it is like divorce in that I feel like "that" marriage is over. It's not quite like a separation because we can't really "work" on our marriage like we could if we were separated; it is like a separation because obviously, we are separated physically. It's not like a death because, I do get to talk to him and he will be home one day; it is like a death in that I've grieved the marriage that I thought I had and the husband that I thought I had. In 2 years when he returns, we have a lot of work to do on our marriage and people I'm sure wonder why would I want to...I just don't believe right now that God's plan for us is divorce.
Please pray for him, me and our daughter. Thanks for sharing this journey with me!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My story...Part 2

After that fall of finding the drugs in his truck, like I said, I was very trusting. I've never known an "addict", I had NO clue what all of that entailed, all I knew was that the man I had loved for many years said he would quit and I was ok with that. Fast forward to May of 2009...I was out of town for work. He had mentioned having some of the guys over to play poker (something I wasn't ok with but wasn't willing to fight that battle). He called me that afternoon to say that his mother was going to take our little girl to her mother's house for the night. I said ok. That night, I had trouble with the hotel room that my company had booked for me so as I was aimlessly searching in this packed town for a room I tried calling him. He didn't answer and didn't answer and didn't answer. I was not happy with this situation. I tried again, this time someone answered but you could tell they had not meant to answer it. I heard men talking and I heard someone say "it looks like we got an iPhone"...I went nuts. Of course, I thought the worst, surely he had been robbed or something terrible like that. I immediately called his older brother who assured me that everything was probably fine. In the middle of all of this I had found a hotel room and proceeded to go to sleep. At 2:08 am my phone rang and it was my sister-in-law. Now that is a story all to itself but for now I'll just say that I figured it was a drunk call and decided not to answer. She called right back and I knew something was wrong. She told me to be calm and her next words were "D.....is in jail"...I don't remember much else but crying, throwing things, and wondering what in the world was happening. I managed to find out that he had sold some pot to an undercover cop. Now, remember, I am out of town working all weekend long. I stayed on the phone for a while and finally at around 4:30 got a shower and waited...I found my boss first thing and told him I had to go home. I got into town and went to the jail. I had NO clue what to do, could I see him? When could he get out? How does all this work?!?!?! I walked into the jail and a girl who was in our youth group with us in high school came out, I had no clue she worked there. She got me on the list for a visit later in the day. I went and told my parents and went back to see him. He was a wreck...his first question was "are you going to leave me?" At that point I told him it was way to early to discuss that but the fact I was there, looking at him through the glass was a good step. I was hateful to him during that visit...I wanted him to hurt as bad as I did. He got out the next Monday. He couldn't get out on Saturday because of "who he is" and that began our long process. He no longer had a job, obviously. A week later, neither did I. I was "guilty by association" even though I knew nothing.

My next post, I'll play catch up to present day and begin the purpose of this blog. I want this to be a ministry tool to people like me...I don't think there are many of us out there! I want to be an encouragement to others. I KNOW God has a purpose for all of this and I want Him to be glorified through me. For the past 10 months and especially in the past few weeks all I've heard is "you are such a strong woman"...I don't think I'm strong at all but I KNOW that HE is!!!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

My story...Part 1

So, welcome to my blog. I decided to start this blog because I just don't think there are that many "ministries" out there for Christian wives of Christian husbands who also happen to be in jail. I am going to try to tell my story as short as possible, no promises though. I grew up in church. My dad was in the ministry for most of my life. I met D at church, we began dating when I was in the 10th grade and have been together ever since. That makes 14 years that we've been together, also known as half of my life. In high school I was never a part of the "bad crowd", neither was he. His senior year we broke up for a while and in that time, he experimented with drinking. (I didn't have my first alcholic beverage until I was 19) We got back together the summer before he left for college. We went to colleges that were about an hour away from each other. During this time, he began doing things that I didn't approve of and he knew it. I am an avoider...I avoid things, and because I didn't allow him to smoke pot around me, I avoided it. After graduation, we got married. Being the avoider that I am, I never asked about drugs because I just assumed that once the parties were over, so was that. Now, let me say that I had never seen nor smelled pot in my life, much less been around someone who I knew was high. We lived a great life, yes he drank, at times way more than I liked and that was about the only thing we fought about early in our marriage. After 2 and a half years of marriage, we started trying for a baby and finally had M. At that time, he had begun his dream job. About 9 months later, I got my dream job. For the sake of privacy, all I'll add for now is that we live in a small town and his dream job was a very respected one. Life was perfect...or so I thought. In October of 2008, I had to move his truck and quite by accident, as I was turning around in the seat to look out the back glass, the center console opened. I looked in the console and found a little plastic bag with what I knew was pot in it. As I said, I've never seen the stuff but I knew that was it. I had NO clue what to do, remember, I am an avoider. So avoid I did. For about 4 days I was quiet with him and finally he asked what was wrong and I told him what I found. Now, I will also add that at this time, we were active members in our large (for a small town) church, even taught Sunday School. The morning I told him that I found it was a Sunday morning. He fell apart (he is an emotional man). He even went up front to pray with the preacher during the invitation. I remember going over the list of what all he could lose by doing this: his job, his child and me! He said he'd quit. I believed him and never mentioned it again, again, I'm an avoider! I will stop for now and continue the story later.
My hope for this blog is for women who are facing or are in similar situations know that they can have peace! I pray that I can show how God is using this storm in my life through this blog. Also, I pray that if there are any women out there in my shoes wondering how they will make it, that we can encourage one another.