Doing the right thing...

Last night I laid in bed for a while worried that I've "over shared" in telling the details of our story. I realize that no one is reading this, so why worry? But I do...after thinking about it all day, I think I'll leave everything. I think knowing the details will help those who do eventually read this understand my feelings. Who knows though, I may go back and erase every word and start all over. This whole process I've been just winging it. From the moment I found out D had been arrested I had NO idea what to do. I had NO dealings with jail and legal issues. After he got out, I had no idea what to do. I have no idea how to deal with a substance abuser. (That is actually where the hand of God has stepped in, my new job is in the mental health world and I do have access to therapists, one of which has a background in substance abuse counseling) I am also winging this single parent thing. I often wonder if I'm doing the right thing, not just in one area but in many areas. I'm just in such a new world that I feel like I'm doing good by just existing. I'm not going to lie, I've been angry at God. He could make all this change but He has chosen not to and as unhappy about that as I am, I have to trust that there is a purpose. I MUST believe that HE sees how all this is going to play out and as long as I seek Him, He will work everything out for my good. Many people look to Jeremiah 29:11 in times of crisis including me. Several months ago, I turned to this verse for comfort but for the first time, I continued reading and was convicted by verses 12 and 13. Basically He says that we will find HIM when we seek HIM while our whole hearts. I'm trying and I feel like lately I fail at that more often than not. I just feel plain guilt for being angry with Him and even for doubting His purpose. I heard a wonderful message from Beth Moore on Life Today last summer, so, for now, I'll go but I promise I'll post about that soon!

This is hard!

I really thought that this would get easier, but instead, it's getting harder. I realize I'm just 1 month into this 24 month process so there is time for it to turn around, right?!? This past weekend was particularly hard, emotionally and spiritually. Before he left, he arranged an anniversary gift for me. Our anniversary is the beginning of next month but he went ahead and had my precious best friend take care of it. When I opened it and read his letter, I LOST it!!! Now, don't get me wrong, I'm very appreciative of this gift and the effort that he went to prior to leaving to arrange it; however, at this point, I don't even want to think of our anniversary. I have purposefully left out a portion of this story but now, I feel that in order for my thoughts and feelings to make sense to anyone reading, I must tell that part. A month before he left, we met with our lawyer and determined to take this before a judge. Basically, we would get character witnesses on the stand and let the judge set the sentence. The state standard for this charge is probation so we felt pretty good about this decision. We lined up character witnesses and began praying that the judge would show mercy. In the meantime, our attorney wanted to see what all the D.A. "had" on D so, he and D went to review the evidence one day while I was at work. I got a phone call from my very upset husband saying that I needed to come home. I couldn't leave work at that time. I finally talked him into telling me what was wrong. I was told that we couldn't go to trial. Long story short, my husband had planned on having an affair with the co-worker that set him up. This affair obviously never happened because he had chosen to make that other stupid decision to sell pot to her "friend" before he got a chance to go on with that plan. Needless to say, our attorney basically said that any character witnesses we had wouldn't matter and that we should take the 2 year plea. One week later, he was gone.
All along, I'd felt like I didn't know the whole story. The marriage counselor we saw even told D that he needed to go ahead and tell me everything in the beginning because if something else came out later, that all trust that had been re-built would be gone. Well the marriage counselor was right. Now, with one week left, I had this to deal with. Basically other than him swearing that he never has had an affair and nothing had ever happened with her, that's the only work that we've done on our marriage. I don't know how to work on it while he is in jail. I still question whether or not I know the whole story.
Maybe that explains my response to my anniversary gift. Right now I feel like that day never mattered to him, so why should I celebrate it alone with him in jail. I guess I'm back in my angry phase. I just don't know what to do and like I said, instead of getting easier, it's getting harder.

If you've taken the time to read this, please continue to pray for us. If you happen to be going through a similar situation or even another type of storm in your life, leave a comment and I'll commit to praying for you.

Waiting...

For almost a whole year I've been in a season of waiting.
After losing my job, I was waiting on a new one.
We waited to find out the earthly consequences of D's actions.
Now we wait for him to return home.

When the movie "Fireproof" came out, we went to see it. I loved the movie and the music but never really thought that much about it after that. Last summer, I promise, EVERY time I was in my car I heard the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller from the Fireproof soundtrack. That has been one of my theme songs throughout this whole ordeal. I'm trying to worship in my waiting. Sometimes, I fall into a pit of anger, depression, anxiety, loneliness...but I think God understands us when we fall in those pits, as long as we look to HIM to help us out of it! In the 23rd Psalm He says we "walk through the valley", we don't sit in it, we don't lie down in the valley we WALK through the valley. I'm doing my best to walk through this valley. Some days are harder than others but as long as I'm shuffling forward, I'm ok. I know I've made mistakes on this journey and I'm sure I'll make more but regardless...He will be with me!

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

My story...part 3

I pray I can play catch up in this post...
He found a job doing manual labor rather quickly, eventually I even found another job. My job is in a totally different career but so far, I really enjoy it and have been told I'm quite good at it too. For months, we tried to live life as "normal" as we could. Well, eventually our lawyer contacted us and basically he had tried as hard as he could and he had postponed as long as he could but the "plea" was a 2 year prison sentence. This was devestating news for us all. Basically, my husband was punished because of "who he is". And yes, we were told that. So, a month ago, my husband began a 2 year prison sentence. I prayed up until the judge let the words come out of his mouth for a miracle. God had sent Abraham a ram to save Isaac from sacrifice and for a week, I prayed for a ram. I didn't get one. A month later, I'm still praying for a miracle. I pray that once the state looks at him they will send him home because our prisons are 108% overpopulated and this is a first offense with one charge. I pray for that but am prepared for a long 2 years.
Again, I don't think there are that many Christian women whose husbands are in jail out there...I may be wrong. I've found one www.adustyframe.com has been a wonderful source of inspiration to me. I've read several of her posts and cried because I felt like I was reading my own words. I don't think this is something that anyone who hasn't been through can fathom. It's not necessarily like divorce because he is coming back; it is like divorce in that I feel like "that" marriage is over. It's not quite like a separation because we can't really "work" on our marriage like we could if we were separated; it is like a separation because obviously, we are separated physically. It's not like a death because, I do get to talk to him and he will be home one day; it is like a death in that I've grieved the marriage that I thought I had and the husband that I thought I had. In 2 years when he returns, we have a lot of work to do on our marriage and people I'm sure wonder why would I want to...I just don't believe right now that God's plan for us is divorce.
Please pray for him, me and our daughter. Thanks for sharing this journey with me!